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Santa Goes to heaven
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Santa & Banta
Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.) Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).
Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years .' Mrs Rajsi intervened, ' Not six we have been married for seven years !
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.
Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25th floor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : 'How did you enjoy your dinner ? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it, 'Sorry , I could not make it .'
'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. D'I am not your son.' I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?' Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?
Letter
Letter from mother to son Santa Singh. Pyare Puttar, Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We do not live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they would not have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I am not sure it works too well. Last week I put 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since then. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained 3 days, and the second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, he will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery . Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried pulling him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. There is not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. LoveMom. P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Great Sardarjee
1. A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" ( "he picks up the receiver and then says he is not at home" )
2. This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
3. Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their
parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'
Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'
Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead
sea?'
Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'
Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'
Sardar was recently hired.....
A sardar was recently hired at an office. His first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well on the first day on the job, he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.
A Sardarji father gave the fol...
A Sardarji father gave the following advice to his son about to be married.
"Son, if you want things from your in-laws, be sure to pitch your demand high. If you wanted a cycle, ask for a scooter; if you wanted a motorcycle, ask for a Maruti. Always ask for something higher than you need."
The young Sardarji who wanted no dowry, imbibed the lesson. When his father-in-law asked what he wanted, the young Sardarji replied, "nothing just Give me the girl's mother."
Interview of a Sardar
Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes through his certificates and then starts asking him questions.
Following is the transcript :
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites
S : Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)
O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y...... Our sardar also shouts)
#Officer is now angry.
O : Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected ........ ....... and This is how Santa Singh got his job.
Santa and Banta are two friends.....
Santa and Banta are two friends and Santa singh has very good job. Banta singh is jobless and one day asks Santa for some good job.
Santa singh says, OK next time we will apply together and they do. On interview day, Santa singh says, first I will go inside and answer all questions except last one, and after coming out, I would give you all answers and questions. So you go and then answer there. You will get the Job. So, Santa goes in.
EMPLOYER: When we got independence?
SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM?
SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: OK. What's India's population?
SANTA: (He was not to reply last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you sir.
Now he comes out and tell questions and answers to Banta Singh.
Banta singh was real SARDAR and he remembers all answers and forgot questions. He goes in Now.
EMPLOYER: When were you born?
BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: What?? Who is your father?
BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: Employer is upset now. Are you mad Mr. Banta?
BANTA: Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you sir.
A Sardarji father gave the Fol.......
A Sardarji father gave the following advice to his son about to be married.
"Son, if you want things from your in-laws, be sure to pitch your demand high. If you wanted a cycle, ask for a scooter; if you wanted a motorcycle, ask for a Maruti. Always ask for something higher than you need."
The young Sardarji who wanted no dowry, imbibed the lesson. When his father-in-law asked what he wanted, the young Sardarji replied, "nothing just Give me the girl's mother."
Once a cruise ship carrying pe...
Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.
Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved."
All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea.
Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.
After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted,
" Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal"
"wahe guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh"
"Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman"
"jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di"
"Jai jawan jai kissan "
and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai"
And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea.
Punjab Board Collection Exam 2001
1. Write your name is less then 20 minutes and 20 letter.
(Only alphabets are allowed,no numeric digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex? () Male () Female () Sardar () Occasionally
3. What's you age group?()less than 0()Equal to 0()greater than 0
4. What is 2+2=____?() Four ()4()IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brother des he have ()None ()Six ()Question is too personal
6. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise ,would you get() One rupee?()100paise?
7. Write an essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences.
(HINT: My name is_________________(same as in Q1.I am a Boy/Girl.Iam writing an essay)
8. If the time is 3:00 AM, What dose your digital watch show?
9. At what time does the 11:16 Indrayani Express come?
10.If A=B and B=C. then is B=A?()True()Not false()Out of Syllabus
11.If you eat lunch during lunch-time, What will you have during dinner-time?
()Lunch()Breakfast()Midnight Snack()You fast at that time
12.Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
13.This is question number () 1 () 19 () 20 () Can't Count
14.If 2+3=5,is 3+2=5? () Impossible () I Forgot to get my Calculator
15.Write the full form of ASAP, as soon as possible
16.What is the capital of India? () India ()INDia () INDIA
17."a,e,i,o,u" are collectively called vowels. what are "e,a,o,u,i" called?
18.Who was the first MAN to Land on moon? () Mr.Armstrong () Mr.Armstrong () Mrs.Armstrong
19.What comes first? () Egg () the Omelet () Hen
20.Can you count more than five using only your one hand's fingers? () Yes
21.Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y
22.Mrs. Sinha is Mr.Sinha's: () Father ()m Bother () Son () Daughter
23.To reach the 12th floor of a skyscraper,how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
24.Complete the following series:1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,_,_,_
25.The Sun is nearer to india than America Because: () Sun is smaller than USA
() One can see the Sun,but not USA () I don't have time left to think
26.How do you make ice cubes? () ask neighbor () Buy it from Ice Factory () Forgot recipe
27.Have you used a computer? () Maybe,but I"d Don't remember () What's a computer
28.Kaal kitni prakaar kay hotey hain? () 1 ()3 ()5. Also choose which are :
() Bhoot Kaal () Vartamaan Kaal () Bhavishya Kaal () Trunk Call () Sat Sri Akal
29.Where does the Sun go to at night?
()To bed () To a nightclub () It's there only,but due to darkness we can't see it
() Haven't followed to see where to goes () Ask the Sun Itself.
30.Did you reach the last question of the Paper? () Yes () No () I don't want to think extra
Sardar as the Railway Driver
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby
and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there
was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving
from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to
save life of one person you put life of so many passengers
under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot
started running towards the field when the train came very close
Sardar Wins Lottery
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks.
" The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
Com - for - ta - ble
Santa and Banta are running a ranch together in Haryana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. Banta takes their life savings of 6000 Rupees and goes to Delhi to buy a bull.
He eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for 5990, take it or leave it."
He buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Haryana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the INDIA is Rs 7.50 per word."
He thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be? inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies Banta. The man asks, "I'm sorry mister, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" Banta replies, "Santa is a native inidan villager and reads REAL slow, when he gets this, he will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
Singing the B side...
Santa and Banta were sitting on a tree and Santa was singing a song.
After 4 songs Santa hung himself upside down and started singing again.
Banta : Santa what is the matter with you ? Why are you hanging upside down ?
Santa : I am singing the B side.
Employment...
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
Crocodile Boots...
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"
What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of
paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a
photcopy of the white paper !!!
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No
problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word.
Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the
pin and throw it back.
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Catch Them...!
An Englishman, an American, and Banta were called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman said, "I think i can empty 20 bottles of beer." BUZZZZZ went the lie detector. "Ok," he said,"10 bottles." And the machine was silent. The American said, "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers." BUZZZZZ went the lie detector. "Alright, 8 hamburgers." And the machine was silent. Banta said, "I think...." BUZZZZZ went the machine !
Two Sardars and their Horses
Two Sardars and their Horses
Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which
is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.
"Easy"replied Jarnail.
"I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"
This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without
the bell."
The boys heard this also & cut the bell.
The next day, Zail got frustrated & said
"Okay now the last criterion,
white will be yours & black will be mine."
Made In India
A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists.
The Americans then sent the car over to Japan to see what the Japanese
could do to better the car.
The Japanese added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than sent
it to the U.K.
The British scientists, to better the car, added a sound system and window
tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese, who
added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car.
The Chinese then sent it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at
the tiny car, appreciated all the modifications
the other countries had made,
turned it over and stamped a sign on it.... MADE IN INDIA!!!
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